You’ll Pay, Maybe Not With Money, But You’ll Pay

Riding the bus really isn’t all that bad, unless you mind riding with a lot of people with mental health issues-some of those being alcoholism and or drug addiction.  It’s not for everyone.  I am able to deal with it fairly well, but there are times I get uneasy, especially if things start getting loud and agitated. Today the man sitting beside me began to box the hand strap hanging above us; a little disconcerting.

 I wondered why there seems to be more people with these issues on the bus rather than the subway-though the subway has its share-but is it because the bus is just cheaper and then I wondered if it’s also because of some claustrophobic issues of being underground on a train-that can be unnerving to some, or maybe the train simply doesn’t go where someone needs it to go?  I don’t know the answer, but  I’m  growing accustomed to the Beer Eau de Parfum.

Thanks For Nothing

The movie Sex and The City 2 is almost as bad as Spice World. Spice World (the movie) was insufferable but I have to say Sex and the City 2 was almost as bad…almost. I just watched this disappointment and though I am not a SATC fan (I’m just now seeing the movie); I found the 1st SATC movie to be somewhat entertaining. I remember laughing once and felt sad a couple times, but this second movie I couldn’t even manage a grin. The costumes were ridiculous to the point of being absurd and the writing terrible. Why the whole Liza Minnelli skit wasn’t my exit call is too bad because then I could have spared myself the rest of this movie pain.

Terrible.

Watching I wondered how long I could stand to watch scenes like Carrie fawning over her lavish fabric drapes and complaining she needs sparkle in her marriage. I guess Big couldn’t figure out he married someone who required a techno soundtrack playing in the background along with a strobe to keep up with her short attention span. I thought the whole never eating at home thing to be tiresome and unrealistic. I tried to wrap my head around why Charlotte couldn’t eat the food in Mexico in the first movie, but didn’t seem to have any qualms about eating the food in the middle east? No answer.

I hope this is a wrap for this movie franchise and they feel they don’t need to punish us anymore.
I mean, “Abu Dhabi DOO” ???? I’m clearly not their target audience.

10 Big Steps Back

It was one of those days that I don’t want to talk about. The kind of day where you wish there was a pill that could make you forget.  It was hideous and involved a subway and me flinging out of control, landing on someone and broken glasses.  No, I don’t want to talk about it.  I offered to pay for her glasses but time will only tell if she takes me up on that.  It was an accident for sure. The car was packed beyond belief,  but I would have preferred that I broke my finger or something rather than what happened.  I really hate myself right now and all I can do is bury my face in my hands. I’m so Pathetic.

I’m Not a Fan of Tattoos

I’m not a fan of tattoos. There I said it, I always feel a sense of sadness when I see one.  I admit there are some beautiful works on some bodies, but for the most part, I see disappointments. I think they fit on certain people but not many and for the most part I see them looking ridiculous for the type of person donning them.

I have rules in my head where a tattoo should be located and also the illustration. One big disappointment was to see someone, a male, in the financial field having a small four-leaf clover on his hip. I find that to be feminine, too feminine. I don’t like men having them on ankles or the small of his back either.

I wanted to gasp for air yesterday as I found out my niece got a tattoo on the small of her back. It wasn’t a small tattoo but two whole lines of writing covering her whole width of her back. What it said isn’t important but it was stupid, really stupid. She isn’t even 18 years old, so you can only imagine the immaturity of it. I’m usually not that judgmental about things but on this area I am and I can’t help myself. I’m not a fan of tattoos.

It Reared Its Ugly Head

It was a bad scene; my sofa was delivered on Saturday and it didn’t go smoothly.  The 2 delivery men got the sofa into the elevator and then couldn’t get it out.

I’m not talking getting stuck for 15-20 minutes; I lost track of time after 40 minutes.  If my delivery men had introduced themselves to me, then I would have known in the beginning I was dealing with Abbott and Costello, but they didn’t.  I had to figure it out myself.

Abbott and Costello were only funny when you watched them in the movies and you probably noticed that the victims of Abbott and Costello’s antics weren’t laughing and now..neither was I.  I now have a whole new appreciation of what’s my right and your right, no, my right and your left, no, when I go turn right you turn right-my right or your right?

The next day I was numb and I felt like I had amnesia.  For the first time in my life, I couldn’t recall what had happened the day before.  I labored through my thoughts and then, oh, yeah, the sofa. The elevator.  I walked out to my living room to gaze upon my long-awaited piece of furniture and then buyers remorse began to rear its ugly head.

“Does the sofa look like it belongs in a funeral parlor?” I asked.

“No.” was the reply.

“Well, does it look like something that Ozzy Osbourne would own?” I asked.

“Yeah, it does.” was the reply.

I’m hoping all the whimsical pillows I ordered will tone down the menacing look of this sofa.  I say this sofa and not my sofa because we haven’t bonded yet. The pillows are due to arrive tomorrow.

Does My Heavy Breathing Distract You?

 

Today was filled with deep cleaning my apartment, in preparation for the arrival of my new sofa tomorrow. Unfortunately, all that cleaning left my back really sore tonight.  The first thing I did today was walk to the grocery store before the high winds started to blow. I brought 1 red bag with me, which was plenty big enough for what I bought:  1 gallon skim milk, 2 loaves of really nice white bread (I know it’s bad for you, but I love it.), 1 bottle shower gel, 2 bunches of small bananas, 2 microwave dinners-1 fish, 1 shrimp, and from the bakery-petite sliced cornbread.

My bag ended up being pretty heavy on the walk home and the wind had arrived ahead of schedule blowing against me. I was really miffed by that, because it made me feel really weak and old.  I dressed too warm and by the time I turned onto my corner I wondered if I looked like an old prospector weighted down, hunched over, plodding on to his next destination. I tried to keep the panting to a minimum.

I have the tendency to breathe too hard, I guess sounding like I’m close to hyperventilating especially when I’m stressed.  I first noticed it while riding my bike and people working in their gardens stopped to stare at me with their mouths agape and when I took my driving test.  I was sitting behind the wheel waiting for the deputy to add up my score and I was frozen with fear, then suddenly he screamed at me, “What’s wrong with you!” Flinging me out of my trance, I guess I was wheezing, but I didn’t realize it. I uttered nothing, biting down hard on my bottom lip.  It must have freaked him out because he added wrong and passed me even though I failed by 1 point.  I didn’t feel guilty about it because he only had to add to 10 and if he couldn’t do that because of a little heavy breathing, well, he shouldn’t have the power to make such lofty decisions.   I figured it was an even trade.

When I arrived home I peeled off my extra layers of clothing and ran over to visit my new healthy tea and smoothie bar on my block. They labeled me as regular today and I felt honored.

Saboteur

It was time for accountability. I couldn’t convince myself something so small could do any harm. I knew the calorie count of a serving, something around 160 calories, What’s the big deal in that? No, there had to be more.  I took the box and examined it.  15 servings per box size I was buying and a little arithmetic was in order.  2400 calories, 2400 calories I was adding extra to my diet per week!  That’s the part I wasn’t figuring out, how much per week.  160 calories a day doesn’t sound that bad but add it together paints a different picture. My box usually didn’t last a week, but I did only buy 1 box a week or else it could have been worse.

Crackers are my diet’s saboteur and even though they are my favorite food; I am giving them up. In reality they don’t taste that great.

No Bubbles For Me

I’m not bubbly.
I have never been bubbly.
What’s wrong with me?

I can be a friend to a bubbly person, but I could never maintain that level of energy to take on that bubbly personality, no, never. I don’t know where their bubbles come from, but I have none.

I can picture myself being surrounded with bubbles. Glistening bubbles with iridescent colors switching from purples to yellows to pinks, drifting up, smelling like fresh soap. I could imagine I could be happy. I can see a sharp shooter popping every single bubble -one at a time, pop, pop, pop! Leaving me no bubbles at all.

I see a strange man holding up a green book, I see footage of  earthquake devastation, I can hear the conversations of how there is no way to pay for things we’ve always expected. I read about the unexpected death of a good man who I had the pleasure of speaking with a few years ago, a talented writer.

Life weighs on me and I never figured out how to put it aside. No, I don’t really enjoy life; I endure it. No bubbles for me.

Not You Again

You visit my dream,
unwelcome infatuation.
My eyes divert,
holding steaming hot tea,
sipped from our spoons.
No words exchange,
except for another creature’s toast.
So strange, so strange
why are you here?

All hope has fled from within,
what’s passed by, my heart did not comprehend,
the abandonment of my affections,
and friendship.
My fingers tried to clench,
yet slipped.

Your ghost emerged to the surface of my conscious:
the viciousness of it.
So I urged,
no longer visit with reminders
of your venerable soul,
scent and touch,
once loved-by me.

I’m veiled
in shame,
pain,
regret for my longing
and all the ill decisions I’ve made.

Leave,
cruel specimen
you bring gloom
and I suffer,
Release me.

Another One Bites the Dust

She asked me for examples of why I thought she was judgmental and stringent in her beliefs and I gave her 3 solid examples.  She fumbled around some incoherent excuses and then she hung up crying and probably will never speak to me again.  Your perception of yourself is never how others perceive you. My sister thinks she is a carefree beachy chick but I and a lot of others see her as someone walking around with a pole up her ass-as uptight as they make them, so go figure, but this isn’t about my sister, this is about an old, old friend.   She thinks she is open, and accepting but I see her as someone who I would never tell an uncomfortable intimate detail because of the wrath she would bring down.  Just in the conversation today she called at least 4 people disgusting or trash and I even asked if she’s just blowing off steam or she really felt that way?  Her comments are exactly why I find her overly opinionated because that’s typical fodder from her.   Once I thought she nearly crawled through the phone when I said something to her and so I edit everything when I talk to her.  She doesn’t even really know me anymore. 

I didn’t edit today though and opened my mouth to answer her question, which I’m never allowed to do in the real world.  The storyline goes like this…you say whatever you want to me…anything- and I swallow that bitter pill politely;  I say what I feel and I am banished from your life.  I mean how dare I?  So another one bites the dust.  I sat for a while without emotion.  I’m actually getting quite good at this.  I’m beginning to like being lonely.  In fact I’m not sure I am really lonely.  I think being alone is my life.  My perception of myself is that I’m probably mean but I look like I’m nice and maybe that is what hurts people most.  If you don’t have a steel backbone then it’s probably not a great idea to get to know me.  I’m not looking for friends anymore. Done.

Abrupt and Without Warmth

Repetition of silence
One day melds into the next
Ever solitary
And compressed colloquy
I ache for so much more
The ceased intercourse
Abrupt and without warmth
Still missed
It’s that lonely
Every crumb remembered
And held inside a vacant heart

When Mean People Give Advice

Once I visited a photography site to ask some advice about buying a camera and equipment and I was pretty specific about my goals and price range.  I received about 5 replies with advice but to my dismay 2 replies were completely negative and dismissive. One person wrote that if I didn’t have over $20,000 to throw down, that I shouldn’t even bother. Another wrote no way unless I had a minimum of $10,000. Their replies were quite long about why I couldn’t do anything worthwhile on my budget.  I call these type of people photography snobs and the world is full of them and I’ve found them much more shrewd than fine artists such as painters.  I mean can you imagine a painter telling a beginner painter not to bother painting unless you can afford a $150 paintbrush because they will never get worthwhile results with a $5.00 brush? No painter would ever say that, in fact they are quite the opposite but this is how snob photographers operate.  I felt pretty defeated.

A short time later I had a couple more replies who were great with advice and told me of course I could get set up with some decent equipment to start me out in my price range of about $3000.  They gave me advice of what equipment is more important and what I should buy first and wait a bit for other pieces.  They told me how they would go about building my useful inventory, because I don’t need everything, since I had a specific type of photography in mind.  They gave me their opinion of what 2 cameras they would buy if it were them and yes, two posters gave the same advice on which cameras.  I appreciated those last 2 posters help so much and I printed and used everything they said.  It was the right thing to do because I’m only a beginner photographer and I don’t need elitist equipment; I just need decent equipment to learn on.  I’m still building my inventory and it’s working out really well.  My camera is complicated enough and I still have loads to learn with it.

Later on I was on the same photographers site and I was admiring some of the photographers portfolios.  I came across one portfolio by a very talented photographer.  I think he was pretty successful and maybe well-known in his field but what I found most extraordinary was his camera equipment.  Of course he had some of the best cameras money could buy but the photos of his work I was viewing weren’t taken with the expensive cameras.  No, he was using a very old camera that looked like he probably got it from a second-hand store.  It was a great camera in its day probably from the 1920′s but was very basic.  The photos were absolutely gorgeous and impressive.  I couldn’t stop looking at them.  It really brought the lesson home for me.  It’s the photographer not the camera.  The most talented photographer can take the most beautiful photo with whatever camera he has.  It’s really the photographer’s eye not the camera.

Obviously Pointless

I’m so struck by how people just abandon relationships-even close ones.  It seems some people are just disposable.  I’ve been hurt by this over and over and I’ve really just given up.  Even intact relationships grow stale and empty so that none of it is worthwhile.  I  no longer want to answer any questions about how I am and what I’ve been doing.  Why bother?  I don’t believe anyone really cares so let’s stop with the niceties.

The Thursday Call Boot

It’s Thursday night and that’s the night he would always call, but not anymore.  I stopped all that when I didn’t reply to one of his text messages and he didn’t take well to that kind of thing.  His interpretation of my lack of response was clear and I don’t get second chances. No checkup call, no just in case you didn’t get my message email, just nothing. 

I protected my feelings this time and I’m not torn up. I didn’t reply because I didn’t want to see him.  I wonder if he had feelings for me at all?  Did he even have a twinge of hurt feelings about me?  My attraction to him was purely physical and I’m pretty sure he knew it.  I’m a sucker for a perfect body and he had one.  Ridiculous.

I Blame Myself

All the terrible feelings are coming back. Unhappiness, not belonging, not feeling at home, no direction, loneliness, all these things.  I want to start over. I can’ t stand anything about myself. I can’t stand anything about anyone else either.  Someone asked me what I thought about Sarah Palin ugh! Every time  I hear her name some of my brain cells die.  I can’t even watch the news.  I began to think how if I were an animal I’d dig a hole and die in it. 

 Nothing seems to have a point anymore, at least I can’t find any.  People are so fake and make themselves more important than they actually are; embellishment is the status quo and it’s so see through.  I’m nothing and I freely admit it. I am a waste of human flesh and don’t deserve the breath I breathe.  Why am I here? Others deserve my place. Others whose family adored them, not like mine. I wouldn’t be missed or thought of. My old friend should be here not me. 

The new people in my life drift like a leaf on a wave.  They only visit for a short time and then disappear forever.  I blame myself.

  I watched some old Julia Child cooking shows just to get a glimpse of someone who embraced life.  I  think she was a genuinely  happy person and probably born with that disposition.  I’ve never met or known anyone in my life like her. Not one.

I Still Miss All Of You

Sometimes I just want to cry over the blogs I used to read but the blogger stopped writing.  I haven’t found other blogs to replace that beautiful bouquet of words or the people behind them. Most were going through painful times just like I was and maybe they all found solace by now.  I miss them all so much and I savored each one as if it were a friend, but now they’ve all moved on -just like real people do sometimes.  It still makes me sad because I’ll never find that combination ever again.

When Not Wearing Rose Tinted Glasses

Ever get into one of those moods where you think everyone looks terrible?  It’s a nice change from thinking I only look terrible and everyone else looks great.  Today my eyes have stripped everyone of their perfections and I’m seeing everything that’s wrong and I don’t even have my glasses yet.  Anyway they are for reading -not very useful for looking across the room.  It’s Thursday and everyone looks tired and maybe ate too much salty food last night or drank too much alcohol…bloated.  Everyone picked the wrong outfit and is having a bad hair day, bad skin day, forgot to wax, didn’t exfoliate enough -Or maybe it’s just the aftermath of paying the 1st of the month bills and how depressing it is to see what’s left.  Running in place, tied down, unable  to find change.  Today, I find myself not in envy of anyone.

3 Day Diet, What I Lost In 3 Days

Here are my feelings about the 3 Day Diet so far.  1st it is isn’t a lot of calories so I’m guessing it must be around 800 at the most.  Some of the websites out there say it is around 1000  The fact that there are many variations floating around and you can’t find the “official” 3 Day Diet, it’s probably a red flag all is not kosher here.  Whatever you do, do not pay for this diet because there are enough menus out there for free and you will definitely get the general idea of the menu without paying.

  One huge criticism I have with the menu  is with the measurement of the tuna fish where you either have 1/2 cup or 1 cup and anyone who asks questions seems to be confused about this one topic.  It turns out one 5 oz can of tuna is a half a cup and that is what the tuna can says – so go by that.  I am  aware that 4 oz is a half a cup but I think we are talking fluid oz and the tuna company is measuring weight I guess, so stay in the tuna world and take their word for it.  In any case the 5 oz can contains 2 servings and it says one serving is equal to 1/4 of a cup so 2 servings is a half a cup, which is the whole can.  This part of the diet is really flawed because no one seems to really understand it and why it’s not spelled out that you need to eat one 5 oz can of tuna is just another red flag that this diet isn’t kosher and someone thought it would be funny to be vague and see how it shakes out.  So just remember when the diet says a half a cup you need to eat the whole 5 oz can and when it tells you to eat a whole cup on the last day then you need 2 whole 5 oz cans of tuna. Sheesh, that’s a lot of tuna.

On the bright side of this diet; I think I have to defend it a little bit about if it is healthy or not?  In many reviews I read  how unhealthy and unbalanced this diet is but I don’t actually agree with that statement.  I don’t see any problem other than it doesn’t vary in food choices, but it is kind of balanced.  You get a small amount of protein and you get protein at every meal and there is either fruit or vegetables at almost every meal and sometimes both,  So I really don’t understand the haters on this topic.  You even get a small amount of bread and some vanilla ice cream which who could argue, if you have dessert, make it vanilla ice cream. I really didn’t find Nutrisystem’s desserts as healthy as vanilla ice cream since they seemed to be laden with chemicals I couldn’t pronounce. In my opinion, if you have to have a dessert then vanilla ice cream is a pretty healthy choice.   The other criticism is that the is too low in calories but the  MediFast diet was designed by a doctor and you ddidn’t get anywhere near 1000 on that diet.  I tried the MediFast before and the 3 Day Diet is more humane, which says a lot about how difficult following these diets really can be.

Day 1

The 1st day of the diet I loved having peanut butter on my whole wheat toast and I was lucky to have bought a delicious grapefruit that morning so breakfast was enjoyable for me.  I drank a cup of hot Lipton tea without anything added.  I grew up drinking hot tea every single day of my life so it’s not a problem.  Giving up skim lattes is harsh but I can have them on my 4 regular eating days so I’m not depressed about it. 

Lunch was tuna fish on a slice of toast, it’s not terrible.  I went my last 2 years of high school eating a plain tuna fish sandwich with just lettuce every single day.  I know for a fact tuna can help you lose weight. 

Dinner

The hard part -the green beans.  I like green beans very much but I like green beans with seasoning and some kind of oil or margarine added.  It was really rough  to get a cup of unseasoned green beans down the trap but I managed all but a few. The carrots were easy.

 I had Perdue prepared grilled chicken bites and I weighed out 3 oz on my scale.  It was sparse.  I had a Granny Smith apple and a cup of Breyers Natural Vanilla ice cream. 

2nd Day

I sliced a hard boiled egg on top of a slice of whole wheat toast and a cup of hot Lipton tea. 1/2 of a delicious banana.

Lunch

one 5 oz can tuna and 5 Saltine crackers.    The tuna wasn’t that pleasant to eat without the slice of toast.

Dinner

1 cup of steamed broccoli and 1/2 cup of steamed carrots.  2 all beef hot dogs and I ate BallPark but I heard that the kosher brand Hebrew National is a more healthy choice if you can find those.  My grocery store gets run through with the hot dogs so I’m lucky if I can find the store brand.  I had my hot dogs with mustard and just cut them up.  It was really difficult to eat the hot dogs without bread, They didn’t even taste like hot dogs without the bread.  I also had a half of a banana and a cup of vanilla ice cream again.

So at the end of day 2 of the 3 Day Diet I was feeling pretty bad and began a headache that I ended up taking aspirin. I drank a couple glasses of water to try and help but I was pretty hungry and grumpy.  I came the closest to cheating at this time but I was able to fend that off. The water helped to make me feel better and I took a bubble bath and forgot about my hunger and it probably took about 30 minutes before I felt relief.

Day 3

Breakfast was a hard boiled egg sliced over toast and a cup of hot Lipton tea.

The rest of the day I was away from home so things didn’t go exactly as planned but I tried to assimilate the diet as much as I could.  Lunch menu was supposed to be 1 slice of cheddar cheese, 5 Saltine crackers, 1 apple, and coffee or tea.  I went to Starbucks and bought the fruit and cheese plate and I only ate the apple, which was probably a little less than a whole apple, I brought my own crackers, I had a venti skim latte, which I’m hoping can be ok to  take the place of the cheddar cheese and the ice cream I won’t be have for dinner. 

Dinner

Menu was supposed to be 1 cup of tuna which is 2 whole 5 oz cans, 1 cup carrots, 1 cup green beans, 1 apple, 1 cup of vanilla ice cream,  instead I had six steamed shrimp and probably about 3/4 cup of steamed broccoli so I didn’t end up with 2 vegetables or the apple and I also didn’t eat the ice cream since I had the skim latte for lunch.  That finished up day 3 of the 3 Day Diet. I felt famished from 9pm onward and the thoughts that go through your head to eat are huge.

Day 4-weigh-in

My total weight loss was 3 lbs.  The diet advertises up to 10 lbs so not even half of  that.

I’m Trying A Fad Diet

Usually I have nothing to do with fad diets but I’m quite desperate now.  Today I’m starting on the 3 Day Diet.  It seems like nonsense but it’s 3 small meals, so I don’t feel any harm can come from trying it. I’ll blog again on Wednesday and report if there was any weight loss.  The confusing part of this diet is how you are supposed to be able to eat normal sized meals for the next 4 days with no snacking in between and I wonder how you don’t regain anything you lost the 1st 3 days?  After the 4 regular eating days;  you repeat the 3 day diet again and it’s supposed to change your metabolism.  I’ll let you know…my metabolism is messed up so if this can jump start it…then great!

Thoughts On How Sensei Diet Works For Me

I’ve been struggling a little bit getting started on the Sensei Diet.  The main culprit seems to be the shopping list since I chose to cook my own meals.  I substituted a lot of things or just left them out when I didn’t have them.  Yesterday I went to the store and tried to grab most of what I would need for the week and found I still fell short on ingredients when I tried to cook. 

My first criticism of the diet is the calorie listing for the foods.  I spent quite a bit of time in the bread isle trying to replicate the calorie totals for the bagels and english muffins but I couldn’t find any that matched.  I am wondering now if the calories they list for the food are ballpark figures.  This is how they list a bagel on the chart, 1.0 bagel 71 cal. so I assume they mean 1/2 of a mini bagel because 1 whole mini bagel is more like 120 if you buy Thomas’s bagels and then you can see how the calories still don’t add up.  They don’t list what brand they refer to but I looked at all the brands in my store and none matched the calories and I had same experience with the english muffins.

I wish they were more clear on the serving sizes.  They definitely need to tell you the serving is 1/2 of a mini bagel if that is what it is, instead of listing 1.0 bagel which will definitely lead to mistakes of eating a whole mini bagel.  The only reason I even fathomed you only get a half a bagel is when I went through the menu and noticed sometimes you get 2.0 bagel, which I assume means you get both halves and not 2 whole bagels, because that would be crazy. The calorie listing of items like apples 53 cal seems off to me also.  I would  like tha calorie totals to be put in ranges instead of  just one whole  total number, that way I would know I am not ruining my chances of this diet working-otherwise I am wasting my time here.

Another criticism I have is a website issue and how it times out and you have to sign in again even after only a half hour of being idle.  I really have a low tolerance for websites like this.  I know it’s necessary on banking sites but for a diet site?  It’s a major aggravation to me, as I cook something and run back to check out directions only to find I have to sign in again.  Another glitch I found was when I clicked on an item to get an alternative, I found many times the wrong food item would pop up with the alternatives to that item instead of the item I clicked, example: I needed a substitute for a banana but when I clicked on the word banana I was taken to a page that had the substitutes for the bagel and this happened multiple times but like all glitches-not every time!

The next part I have issues with is when I want to change a meal out to another meal.  It is easy enough to do; you just click change meal, but only 6 choices pop up when actually there are a lot more choices.  If you click on one of the 6 choices, and then click change meal again there will be other choices but still only 6 at a time.  I find this to be a major flaw because I’m not patient.  They should give you all the meal choices for breakfast, lunch and dinner at one time.  If anything causes me to quit this diet, it will probably be this feature of the diet.  I don’t have that kind of patience to keep clicking on 1 of 6 choices at a time and then have to do it over and over; just tell me all at once what I can have and let me deal with it. 

So my feeling today is that I’m frustrated with this diet.  Some things don’t make sense like the calorie totals listed on the menu compared to the calories I find on actual food in the store.  Serving sizes aren’t that clear and there is much room for error. I don’t think I am nit-picking either because how many of us have gotten ourselves into trouble with our weight by not realizing that we are actually eating 2 servings when you miss that a package contains 100 calories but wait…there are 2 servings in a package so you actually ate 200 calories!  Yes, this little detail means a lot. Do I get a whole mini bagel or just 1/2 a mini bagel?  I’m guessing a  half but it wasn’t openly clear.  The bottom line is that I have a deadline for losing some of this weight so I’m not sure I will continue this diet, because I’m not sure I’m following it correctly and I feel like I’m throwing valuable time away if I’m not.

Review Sensei For Weight Loss App

Today, I downloaded the Sensei For Weight Loss App on my iphone for $1.99.  I plan on keeping track of my thoughts on this program while I’m doing it.  I signed up on my phone and went through the short question section easily, but I was a little confused when I didn’t get to choose what type of diet I preferred, like when I saw it on the demos.  I then went online and checked on my laptop what type of diet I ended up following and it was the Mediterranean diet, which is what I wanted.  I guess you get that plan when you choose to cook your own meals instead of picking fast food or frozen food.  Idk, one of the choices was quick and easy-this part wasn’t straight forward to me.

When choosing your meals you get a screen to eliminate foods you know you won’t eat.  I’m a pretty open eater so the only food I prefer not have is nuts and seeds so I checked that choice to not include in my diet, but if you don’t want pork or beef, you can definitely cut those out of the diet.  One food item I don’t want in my diet is soy because I seem to have a negative reaction to it but there wasn’t a choice to eliminate it and actually I’m not even sure it will be an issue on a Mediterranean diet.  I will write about it if it ever comes up and I notice you can completely change any meal, skip etc. and it looked like you can favorite foods you like and substitute quickly for a favorite meal.  I will definitely be doing that and I will write how easy that is to do when I finally do it.

The next section I went to online was the exercise section, maybe it can be set up on the phone but I didn’t see it and it didn’t pop up to cue me…sooo it escaped me.  I liked the drag and drop feature of setting up your workout but the choices are slim pickings.  There was a link to click if you didn’t see your exercise and a chart there to substitute a similar exercise -so for jump roping I use the elliptical icon.  The inability to use your actual activity is a bit disappointing but I just think of it as a placeholder for whatever I’m doing.  I suppose if I want, I can use another app to really log my exercise accurately and I might end up doing that, but this app lacks that great feature.

I feel hopeful being able to stick to this Mediterranean diet because that is the kind of food I like to eat and at least I won’t feel guilty I’m not eating healthy.  When I’ve followed a Mediterranean diet before, what ended tripping me up was the lack of organization;  I just couldn’t get the recipes and ingredients together-too many choices and confusion.  The shopping list  creator should be a big help. 

In the end what I want to find out is if I can lose weight on this plan.  I’m not overweight but I want to lose 15 lbs and that will make me pretty thin.  The trick is to find a way to get your body to let go of the last bit of weight it refuses to let go of and that is completely different story than losing weight when you are overweight.  I want to find out if this diet can do that. I’m not going to tell my starting and ending weight because I hate saying numbers like age and weight, but I will say the number of lbs I gain or lose.

There are still many parts of the plan and app I have not used yet and I still have a lot of questions, so I’ll keep updating when I make these discoveries.

It Was Wrapped Up-Only In My Head

It was really uncomfortable having to deal with irresistible today. First, he texted me in the middle of the night and woke me up and I had no intention of answering him so I didn’t.  I answered him later that morning and to my unpleasant surprise he kept texting back.  I didn’t say anything about not seeing him again-I don’t know how to do it.  I just said I couldn’t meet him. I guess I’ll do it in my usual way and keep putting it off until it’s obvious.  It’s difficult because he’s so perfect.

Doing Therapy On Myself

I’m still carrying on with my jump roping everyday but kind of dropped off on the lunges.  I find having to skip days for ab work, weight training, and lunges sets me up for failure.  I understand the rest days but my mindset is a real problem. I can’t explain why but when I skip one day; I’m likely to skip the next and then the next.  I have serious motivation problems anyway with my life so it’s just an uphill battle for me. 

I went to tha Sukura Festival for a short time on Saturday.  It seemed pretty nice but I’m not really into it and I still get a sick feeling being around anything having to do with anime and I wasn’t expecting to be around anime but it evidently is a chance for them to “dress”, but they weren’t there in great numbers at all.  I wish I didn’t feel that way and I do feel a little guilty about it because they mostly seem like great people. I just have an aversion to anime/manga.  It stems from getting so sick at an anime convention once and then the next day dragging myself to see the movie Spirited Away.  Sitting watching that; I really thought my life was ending and was descending into Hell. Torturous.  Later, when I made my way into a restaurant; my hands trembled like an alcoholic in withdrawal trying to get a hot cup of tea to my lips. Now when I even get close to being around the atmosphere of it; I’m catapulted into that same sick feeling.  I was happy to leave the festival after only 20 minutes.

I’m pretty happy and relieved to not have heard from Mr. Irresistible, so maybe we can put a cap on it.  As I examined myself in my own “self therapy” session over the weekend, I decided that I do a lot of things out of self-loathing.  Inside I’m not worth a whole lot of anything-good attributes?  Not many.  I traced myself back to originally being a happy child until the age of 14 and my spirit was dead by the age of 17.  Irreparable.  It wasn’t teen angst but a realization that the people who set out to ruin my life had succeeded.  At that point I no longer lived life; I just lived.  Living defined by breathing and taking up space.  I admire people who live  life.  Now I hate myself because I allowed it all to happen.   I believed what they said about me.    I made attempts to do things but it was more about proving to someone I could do something, rather than making a real life for myself.  Now the fallout.  Is it too late?  I don’t know; I still don’t feel anything.

The Forever Mr. Irresistible

 One very big problem is my crappy excuse for a vacuum cleaner.  It’s more like an electric broom, if I’m being honest, but really it’s almost useless. I went over a sesame seed bit about 20 times and still it wouldn’t suck it up and then I just bent down it plucked it into the trash.   I’ve been Swiffering the heck out of the place and then using a little hand broom to get any holdouts.  Last night I ordered one of those Dyson vacuums, hoping it helps me out.  I don’t have carpet but these are supposed to work on all floor surfaces and omg, the price.  I tried not to think about what clothes that would buy because it would be tempting…but the dust  has to go. I am repulsed by it and it isn’t healthy anyway.

I’m recovering from my clothes shopping trip yesterday-very rough. I need warm weather clothes.  The mirrors and lighting in the fitting room at Ann Taylor are very forgiving as well as Banana  Republic, but Nordstrom!  Nordstrom has nice fitting rooms but looking at yourself is like seeing a promotional clip from a horror movie.  Every flaw, every single ripple, discoloration, you name it.  One look in the mirror and my eyes wide with horror, mouth open in disbelief, wtf- I had no idea that I looked this bad.  I mean I have a mammoth 7 ft mirror in my bedroom right next to the windows and I have stood there naked in natural light and have never seen that sight before.  Funny how I didn’t see it an hour before in the other fitting rooms. 

Now I have to see what I can salvage of my body before I take a trip to the beach.  Yes, I’m going to the beach, even though I am not a beach person.  The swimsuit issue has me a little unnerved.  I knew I had issues before but never issues like I saw yesterday. blech.

A couple of days ago my special friend who I said I wasn’t going to see anymore texted and wanted to get together.  I said no, but then I said maybe in a few days.  So today we were supposed to get together but he texted yesterday that he only had a small window of time and asked if I would be ok with that and I said -prob not -that’s it, that’s all I said.  About 45 minutes later he got back with some excuses and I don’t mean that in a negative way-it’s just he tried to explain.  I didn’t text back.  I’m thinking that was the final curtain call.  I did get the idea from previous experiences with him that he’s bothered if he thinks you’re disappointed in him, so I half expect to hear from him.  If I do hear, he will hit the topic head on-am I upset with him?  The answer is no.  I really didn’t want to see him, but at the same time I always want to see him.  He is irresistible and I think I’ve made that clear.  I think it  is probably a good time to bring it to a conclusion since we hardly ever see each other.  I think the relationship has run its course, not that I won’t miss it, but as I lay soaking in a bubble bath last night I kept thinking…I’m tired, I’m so tired.

What’s a Good Day Anyway? I Forget

Knowing how unreliable I’ve become; I didn’t set a timeline for when I would hand over my ideas for a project.  I had a terrible time just getting ideas and I think it went almost 3 weeks before I finished.  I might have been more like 2.5 weeks but who’s counting?  I didn’t know anything about the person who asked me to work on this project so I had no idea if this time lag was offensive to him.  I felt like not setting a timeline gave me some leverage because I wouldn’t be missing a deadline and definitely I would have missed it if I had said 1 week. 

I’m not happy about this and I wasn’t trying to be sly in what I did, but I’m in trouble.  I know I’m not capable of completing a task like I used to do and every single day that went by without it being completed was a day ruined.  I have been half sick over it.   It’s finished now.  I presented my work professionally and I definitely have nothing to be ashamed of in my craftsmanship or ideas.  If my work doesn’t suit him then it’s because my work doesn’t suit him, not because it wasn’t good enough.   

I’ve also made a decision not to see someone anymore.  This relationship has turned out  to be not very beneficial to me.  I felt more lonely and I ended up questioning if he had any interest in me other than sex.  Feeling insecure about myself is the last thing I needed.  It’s a terrible feeling to look at myself and see every single flaw and wonder how this near perfect person could want me.  I began to look at myself in the mirror and say it has to be  for the sex, he couldn’t want this body…this face.  It’s over and I don’t think he’ll care very much. I wish he cared but the reality probably is that he doesn’t.  I’m not going to get hurt over this, not this time.

My Weak Links

  I lay on the icy cold bathroom tiles for 2 hours last night crying, just wanting to die.    It’s all my broken links.  I’m made up of them.  No one listens to me and I feel like I have no sense of control in my life. What I asked for seemed so simple and I gave clear directions and yet they do what they want instead of what I asked.  I was given a lot of crap that I would have been humiliated to present to anyone.  I never get away with anything like that and it just makes me wonder why I’m held to a higher standard than the rest.  How do these types of people get a free pass?

While on the floor I decided I’m not going back to my class.  It is really dragging me down and I don’t need weekly reminders of how weak some of my links are.  I would have thought twice about taking this class again if I had known it was going to focus on my weakest skills.  This isn’t the time.  I don’t need to focus on my weaknesses I need to focus on my strengths.  I need to protect myself.  I’m hanging on by a thread.

Sashay, Sashay

Did I ever tell you the real reason I stopped using Bag  Borrow or Steal?  It had nothing to do with Bag Borrow or Steal, I think their company works pretty well.  It all had to do with a realization during a Saturday morning train ride of who I really am as a person.  And I’m not that. 

Late one Saturday morning three 30 something women got on the train a stop after me and though they were together  sat in 3 different seats-what I mean is “not together”, which is no big deal because this is a free country except when more people got on the train; they took a seat next to the women.  What could be wrong with that, you ask?  The one woman actually looked down her nose at the woman who took the seat next to her, as if, eww, why are you sitting next to me? Now I’m entranced with these women, I mean if whomever sits with you is a problem, then sit with your freaking friend, right?

Now that they had my attention, the second thing that popped out at me was the women’s flaunting of their designer garb.  All had the oversized Chanel sunglasses, which looked stupid on all 3.  One brandished a huge Gucci belt. All 3 had expensive designer handbags.  I could forgive all except for their conversation and that’s what made everything unforgivable.  Seeing that they sat apart and  one sat across the train aisle; it meant they had to talk loud, so all of us in the car fell victim to their sickening sense of public decorum.  The one was particularly vile to me as she insulted a co-worker relentlessly mostly because of his weight.  She even went as far as to bloat her cheeks and do a little skit imitating him.  Her friends giggled and that’s another thing that galls me, when grown women think they have to cackle at every phrase someone says, because after-all it’s Saturday and they are all out to have fun and that’s what fun IS-giggling all over the place. 

The conversation continued and they began to discuss their hired help-meaning housekeepers.  One had lost hers and she needed another, so the most gruff one recommended hers.  “Is she key worthy?”  the housekeeperless inquired.  “I gave her my key.”  the gruff one replied, while shrugging her shoulders.  Now this part  was just  like running a hot blade down my spine.  I’m not sure what provokes me more than a bad wannabe Seinfeld cliché, but not much can, and that one had all the hallmarks and I felt the caustic acid rise up in my throat.  The most gruff one began to criticize the tall thin one about using coupons….she didn’t find it cool.  All this almost made me yearn for the monthly lunatic  encounter, like the one who took over our car ranting, “Obama, don’t like none of y’all, ok.”  Then encapsulated the woman behind me in her seat insisting she was Hilary Clinton and why wasn’t she at work-even though the woman was African-American and scared shitless.  She only weighed probably 102 lbs and this man was about 6’3 and a massive hunk of crazy man.  I visualized he had a machete hidden somewhere and would soon take it out and cut us all down, yep, that’s what goes through my mind. I don’t trust any of you train riders.    But these women were less likable than that crazed man, is my point.

So what in heaven’s name does all this have to do with Bag Borrow or Steal anyway?  What imprinted on me  most was their display of designer wear and how I couldn’t get it out of my mind how they might be posers using Bag Borrow or Steal because they couldn’t really afford it, like me.  At the time I was also a poser; because I was sporting my ultra cool bracelet from Bag Borrow or Steal-that indeed, I could not afford.  Then the hens came home to roost.  I, sitting there on the train realized who I was.  I cannot afford Chanel, I cannot afford Prada and lastly don’t really like the flaunting of the brand logos as if you are something special.  I don’t really like status symbols- I confess.  So why would I ever pretend I could afford them and use Bag Borrow and Steal’s service to make it look like I could?  That is not me.  I didn’t want to be “those” women.  Maybe they owned their shit outright but I couldn’t help but think if they were that well off why not drive  your beamer or luxury Mercedes and not slum it on the subway.  It didn’t matter because they were everything I never wanted to be.

I started thinking how I’ve always bought from independent artists and why would I want to change that?  I was doing pretty well with my choices.  I get a profuse amount of compliments  on my handbags and jewelry.  At the Christmas party in December the compliments didn’t stop about my necklace bought from an artist on Etsy.  I think I’m doing pretty well on my own, without the  help of the top names dictating what is chic.  It’s mostly men who like my handbags, they especially like my messenger bag with the cool rabbit from Alice in Wonderland but it’s not the 1st bag they’ve stopped me to have a conversation about. It happens a lot.  Sure it could be all contrived to be an opening, but I think there are too many of them choosing to have a conversation about my bag for it not to be about my bag. 

My stop finally came and though I could have taken the other door where I wouldn’t have had to sashay in front of the 3 women,  that wouldn’t have been fun. So, sashay I did.  I knew on that particular day that I looked better than any of them and it was affirmed by their sudden silence as I waited by the door to exit. All without  the labels except for my rented Pianegonda All Around Mania Bracelet, which in my opinion didn’t shout designer piece.  All without the incessant giggling. All was right with the world once again. When I got back home, I went straight to my closet shelf, removed the small box, took off my bracelet, carefully packed it, printed The Bag Borrow or Steal label and dropped it off at the UPS store.  So there’s the real reason.

What If I Could Be Like Them?

I’ve been spending most of my time trying to get organized.  It’s been more about organizing my thoughts than an actual physical plan, though there’s been some shifting furniture around, stretcher bars, canvases. I haven’t managed any real results.  I’m so scattered.

I watched a doc on Valentino and I don’t know why I find designers so inspiring but they immediately shoot me into a different frame of mind.  I don’t find Valentino the ideal though.  I love his designs but he as a person is too emotional with a hair-trigger temper.  Yves Saint Laurent was my favorite.  He seemed to treat his people right without the tantrums.  I loved seeing him work and the way his dedicated staff seemed to adore him.  I loved the quiet way he expressed his thoughts aloud.

I felt like a failure watching their dedication to their work.  The dedication is what led to their success.  I have to take one little piece at a time to not be overwhelmed.  One piece, one morsel.  I’m going to make a big step today.  Begin again.

Metabolizing My Life

2 of my favorite people in my class decided not to sign up this time.  I was disappointed.  I guess the one who I felt I bonded with didn’t feel any responsibility to me, as you sometimes do to a friend.  So, a friendship hadn’t really materialized after-all- at least for him.  The other one, the chatterbox, as I nicknamed him because he talks incessantly, well, he was just nice to have around.  He tended to monopolize a lot of the teacher’s time, which is always a good attribute in my head.  Last night she focused a little too much on my issues, which in my opinion, she isn’t talented enough to work out. 

Before class started she told me the plans for the class; making the whole class about the very thing I hate the most-the entire class time.  It was her diabolical plan to break me of my weakness, but said since I threatened to quit, she wouldn’t do it.  I felt a little like a heel but a couple people gave me more than a thumbs up for saying so.  I gave back the solidarity fist, which was completely weird for me because I’m not used to anyone ever being in my corner…ever. Referring to the fist, my internal dialogue asked, “Where’d that come from?” and then replied, “I have no freaking idea, weird!”

Many Reasons

I don’t feel like going out tonight.  I don’t feel like walking through the cold and snow in the dark.  I don’t feel like having the wind hit me in the face making my eyes water.  I don’t feel like being an acrobat gingerly placing my feet in just the right spots so I don’t fall.  I don’t feel like being out twice as long because it takes that much longer to walk anywhere. 

I have to go to my class tonight; the one I signed up for just to socialize.  That’s it; my only motive.  I really get nothing out of it, well, other than meeting a few people.

Filler Update and Beauty Products That Don’t Break the Budget

Today my face is looking pretty good after the filler injections yesterday afternoon.  I’m really, really sore though.  The bruising is pretty minimal so just feeling sore is an ok tradeoff.  Interestingly enough , I don’t think the injections caused the soreness, but from the hard scrubbing the doctor did before the injections, probably to get the blood flowing to the area.  Then the pressure you have to apply during the injections and also the doctor does a lot of pressing in the end to sculpt the filler nicely into place.  Your face really isn’t used to being treated this way and for me never! So today I feel like the day after a bad dental appointment.

The other interesting effect was how oily my face was yesterday evening.  I normally have pretty dry skin but all the massaging must have activated oil production.  That is really pretty interesting and I’m wondering if massaging my face would be beneficial.  I would describe my skin last night looking like I had been out in the snow all day.  I think the Novocaine they apply first really gives you a windburned look.  The nurse said it would wear off in an hour…try around 8.  That’s exactly how I am with the dentist…still numb at midnight after an afternoon dental appointment.

One product I’ve recently picked up is the Body Butter by Missha.  It is phenomenal.  I  use it on my legs and it is amazing for smoothing the skin and long-lasting.  The price is unbelievably reasonable, under $5.00!  I think a couple jars I bought were $3.00.  Missha has a great product line and it doesn’t bust my budget.  I’ve been impressed with all my choices but it’s so refreshing to not spend $300 for a moisturizer thinking it will work a miracle and then find it out it doesn’t.  It’s one of those areas where if you dig deep enough; you will eventually find a treasure.

I have 2 other home run products Smashbox Photo Finish Primer Light and bareVitamins Prime Time Eyelid Primer made by bareMinerals.  The Smashbox Photo Finish really leaves your foundation looking sleek and it will still look that way at the end of the day.  I’ve used other primers but so far this one is the best.  I use my Missha moisturizer first and then apply the primer.  I know the directions might say to use the primer first but I’ve had the best results when using the moisturizer first.

Next the bareVitamins Prime Time Eyelid Primer, it really works.  This is the first eyelid primer that actually works for me.  My eyeliner stays put all day and my mascara is not leaving smudges under my eyebrow anymore.  I normally am not a fan of the bareMinerals line;  it doesn’t work on my skin, even the foundation primer was disappointing, so I was skeptical to try the eyelid primer.  I use the primer after my foundation and have impressive results, so glad I gave this line another shot.  One caveat, you will have to use eye makeup remover to get your liner off because the primer  really sets it.

Part of the Herd

The article said the actress didn’t have an eating disorder, well at least it said that her family “said” she didn’t have an eating disorder.  I doubt it.  Don’t most of us women have an eating disorder?  If we are honest about it?  I know I do have one but it’s not like I’m endangering myself.  I’m just obsessed with what goes into my body and what it does to it. I do unhealthy things sometimes to lose weight and I feel as if I’m  like just about every female out there. I want to be thin.

The article said she weighed 115 lbs, but she looked like she weighed a lot less.  115 is around my weight and I look nothing like that, so I’m skeptical about the truth of  her numbers.  Her height is less than mine so that’s not it.  I’ve weighed less than that and I still didn’t look as thin as she did.  I don’t see the shame in admitting she had a thing about being thin.  Most people don’t naturally look like that, some do, but most not.  2 of my sisters used to get made fun of because they were so skinny. One would eat huge bowls of ice cream trying to gain weight to no avail; the other was ridiculous and still is about food.  She probably does have an eating disorder.  I don’t think either one has an attractive body, but then they think I’m fat…even though I weigh about the same as an actress accused of being too thin…you can’t win.  It’s just a difference they chose to try and make me feel bad about myself.  I don’t look like a skeleton dressed in  a garment, but I feel thinner than most people around me when I’m out.  It’s not a surprise that I haven’t spoken to either for over 3 years. 

All of this has nothing to do with the reason I was going to write here; after much contemplation, I got some filler injections today.  It ended up costing a whole lot more than what I expected.  A lot more than my initial consultation.  Ahh, well, that’s life right?  I thought I would get Juvederm but this doctor wasn’t the same doctor who did my consultation, even though it was the same practice;  he injected Perlane, which I’ve never heard of.  Initially I’m very happy with how it looks.  I have a little bruising but it is much less than what I thought it would be.  I didn’t feel self- conscience riding the subway afterward and didn’t think anyone was staring like I had been in an accident or knew I had injections.  I even stopped at the store for a few things on my way home.   I’m just a little sore.  I like the results, very cute.