Sometimes I just want to cry over the blogs I used to read but the blogger stopped writing. I haven’t found other blogs to replace that beautiful bouquet of words or the people behind them. Most were going through painful times just like I was and maybe they all found solace by now. I miss them all so much and I savored each one as if it were a friend, but now they’ve all moved on -just like real people do sometimes. It still makes me sad because I’ll never find that combination ever again.
Ever get into one of those moods where you think everyone looks terrible? It’s a nice change from thinking I only look terrible and everyone else looks great. Today my eyes have stripped everyone of their perfections and I’m seeing everything that’s wrong and I don’t even have my glasses yet. Anyway they are for reading -not very useful for looking across the room. It’s Thursday and everyone looks tired and maybe ate too much salty food last night or drank too much alcohol…bloated. Everyone picked the wrong outfit and is having a bad hair day, bad skin day, forgot to wax, didn’t exfoliate enough -Or maybe it’s just the aftermath of paying the 1st of the month bills and how depressing it is to see what’s left. Running in place, tied down, unable to find change. Today, I find myself not in envy of anyone.
I’m still carrying on with my jump roping everyday but kind of dropped off on the lunges. I find having to skip days for ab work, weight training, and lunges sets me up for failure. I understand the rest days but my mindset is a real problem. I can’t explain why but when I skip one day; I’m likely to skip the next and then the next. I have serious motivation problems anyway with my life so it’s just an uphill battle for me.
I went to tha Sukura Festival for a short time on Saturday. It seemed pretty nice but I’m not really into it and I still get a sick feeling being around anything having to do with anime and I wasn’t expecting to be around anime but it evidently is a chance for them to “dress”, but they weren’t there in great numbers at all. I wish I didn’t feel that way and I do feel a little guilty about it because they mostly seem like great people. I just have an aversion to anime/manga. It stems from getting so sick at an anime convention once and then the next day dragging myself to see the movie Spirited Away. Sitting watching that; I really thought my life was ending and was descending into Hell. Torturous. Later, when I made my way into a restaurant; my hands trembled like an alcoholic in withdrawal trying to get a hot cup of tea to my lips. Now when I even get close to being around the atmosphere of it; I’m catapulted into that same sick feeling. I was happy to leave the festival after only 20 minutes.
I’m pretty happy and relieved to not have heard from Mr. Irresistible, so maybe we can put a cap on it. As I examined myself in my own “self therapy” session over the weekend, I decided that I do a lot of things out of self-loathing. Inside I’m not worth a whole lot of anything-good attributes? Not many. I traced myself back to originally being a happy child until the age of 14 and my spirit was dead by the age of 17. Irreparable. It wasn’t teen angst but a realization that the people who set out to ruin my life had succeeded. At that point I no longer lived life; I just lived. Living defined by breathing and taking up space. I admire people who live life. Now I hate myself because I allowed it all to happen. I believed what they said about me. I made attempts to do things but it was more about proving to someone I could do something, rather than making a real life for myself. Now the fallout. Is it too late? I don’t know; I still don’t feel anything.
