Have you ever avoided certain areas or going to certain restaurants in your city to lower the chances you’ll run into someone? I have been doing this for 2 or 3 years and it can take a toll on you after awhile. All of a sudden, about a year ago I kept getting slung into these “danger-zone” areas more and more often. Was fate trying to play its dirty tricks on me again? Of all places, why there? I would ask myself.
When I did end up in the danger-zone, I would try and limit my exposure. I made my stay as short as possible and I tried to make myself as hidden as I could. In a restaurant, I’d bolt for the inner most seat in a booth or at a table I’d try to sit in the chair facing the least amount of people. I tried to be as far away from the bar area if possible, since I knew he moonlighted at one, though I didn’t know where exactly. I knew the general area and I knew it wasn’t a bar-bar; it was a bar inside a restaurant. I tried to cyber-stalk investigate a little; where I’d try to find out information of where that person might be and I’d make sure I was no where near. It really doesn’t work and I found it caused even more anxiety. I had a big clue which restaurant and made sure I never stepped foot inside, but uncertainty kept creeping in; What if I had it wrong? What if the place I was avoiding led me to go to the very place he was? Ugh, it’s just too much. It had to change. I had to not care one way or the other.
What’s the worst that can happen? I asked myself this.
The ultimate worst-case scenario would be if I ran into him and he made it obvious we knew each other; leaving me to explain. That one I had no answer for. I would have to work out a response. I’m not sure a good enough explanation exists. I have another life no one knows about? Let me honest though, it’s not another life. I don’t like the turn this conversation is taking so let’s move on.
I can’t bother myself with all this worry anymore. The worst-case scenario can always be met with a shrug of my shoulders. I’ve found there’s no rebuttal to that, except long wide-eyed stares.
The most likely scenario is that even though he might run into me; he’d not let on. He might even make a point to avoid me. Not long ago I got a wrong text message, but was it a wrong text message? The text said a name with many exclamation points following it. It wasn’t my name, though the first letter was my name’s first letter and it ended in a vowel; it gave me pause. Did he forget my name? It’s completely plausible and that’s the best case scenario, because you know how you avoid speaking to someone when you can’t remember their name.
She asked me for examples of why I thought she was judgmental and stringent in her beliefs and I gave her 3 solid examples. She fumbled around some incoherent excuses and then she hung up crying and probably will never speak to me again. Your perception of yourself is never how others perceive you. My sister thinks she is a carefree beachy chick but I and a lot of others see her as someone walking around with a pole up her ass-as uptight as they make them, so go figure, but this isn’t about my sister, this is about an old, old friend. She thinks she is open, and accepting but I see her as someone who I would never tell an uncomfortable intimate detail because of the wrath she would bring down. Just in the conversation today she called at least 4 people disgusting or trash and I even asked if she’s just blowing off steam or she really felt that way? Her comments are exactly why I find her overly opinionated because that’s typical fodder from her. Once I thought she nearly crawled through the phone when I said something to her and so I edit everything when I talk to her. She doesn’t even really know me anymore.
I didn’t edit today though and opened my mouth to answer her question, which I’m never allowed to do in the real world. The storyline goes like this…you say whatever you want to me…anything- and I swallow that bitter pill politely; I say what I feel and I am banished from your life. I mean how dare I? So another one bites the dust. I sat for a while without emotion. I’m actually getting quite good at this. I’m beginning to like being lonely. In fact I’m not sure I am really lonely. I think being alone is my life. My perception of myself is that I’m probably mean but I look like I’m nice and maybe that is what hurts people most. If you don’t have a steel backbone then it’s probably not a great idea to get to know me. I’m not looking for friends anymore. Done.
Repetition of silence
One day melds into the next
Ever solitary
And compressed colloquy
I ache for so much more
The ceased intercourse
Abrupt and without warmth
Still missed
It’s that lonely
Every crumb remembered
And held inside a vacant heart
I’m so struck by how people just abandon relationships-even close ones. It seems some people are just disposable. I’ve been hurt by this over and over and I’ve really just given up. Even intact relationships grow stale and empty so that none of it is worthwhile. I no longer want to answer any questions about how I am and what I’ve been doing. Why bother? I don’t believe anyone really cares so let’s stop with the niceties.
It’s Thursday night and that’s the night he would always call, but not anymore. I stopped all that when I didn’t reply to one of his text messages and he didn’t take well to that kind of thing. His interpretation of my lack of response was clear and I don’t get second chances. No checkup call, no just in case you didn’t get my message email, just nothing.
I protected my feelings this time and I’m not torn up. I didn’t reply because I didn’t want to see him. I wonder if he had feelings for me at all? Did he even have a twinge of hurt feelings about me? My attraction to him was purely physical and I’m pretty sure he knew it. I’m a sucker for a perfect body and he had one. Ridiculous.
All the terrible feelings are coming back. Unhappiness, not belonging, not feeling at home, no direction, loneliness, all these things. I want to start over. I can’ t stand anything about myself. I can’t stand anything about anyone else either. Someone asked me what I thought about Sarah Palin ugh! Every time I hear her name some of my brain cells die. I can’t even watch the news. I began to think how if I were an animal I’d dig a hole and die in it.
Nothing seems to have a point anymore, at least I can’t find any. People are so fake and make themselves more important than they actually are; embellishment is the status quo and it’s so see through. I’m nothing and I freely admit it. I am a waste of human flesh and don’t deserve the breath I breathe. Why am I here? Others deserve my place. Others whose family adored them, not like mine. I wouldn’t be missed or thought of. My old friend should be here not me.
The new people in my life drift like a leaf on a wave. They only visit for a short time and then disappear forever. I blame myself.
I watched some old Julia Child cooking shows just to get a glimpse of someone who embraced life. I think she was a genuinely happy person and probably born with that disposition. I’ve never met or known anyone in my life like her. Not one.
Sometimes I just want to cry over the blogs I used to read but the blogger stopped writing. I haven’t found other blogs to replace that beautiful bouquet of words or the people behind them. Most were going through painful times just like I was and maybe they all found solace by now. I miss them all so much and I savored each one as if it were a friend, but now they’ve all moved on -just like real people do sometimes. It still makes me sad because I’ll never find that combination ever again.
It was really uncomfortable having to deal with irresistible today. First, he texted me in the middle of the night and woke me up and I had no intention of answering him so I didn’t. I answered him later that morning and to my unpleasant surprise he kept texting back. I didn’t say anything about not seeing him again-I don’t know how to do it. I just said I couldn’t meet him. I guess I’ll do it in my usual way and keep putting it off until it’s obvious. It’s difficult because he’s so perfect.
I’m still carrying on with my jump roping everyday but kind of dropped off on the lunges. I find having to skip days for ab work, weight training, and lunges sets me up for failure. I understand the rest days but my mindset is a real problem. I can’t explain why but when I skip one day; I’m likely to skip the next and then the next. I have serious motivation problems anyway with my life so it’s just an uphill battle for me.
I went to tha Sukura Festival for a short time on Saturday. It seemed pretty nice but I’m not really into it and I still get a sick feeling being around anything having to do with anime and I wasn’t expecting to be around anime but it evidently is a chance for them to “dress”, but they weren’t there in great numbers at all. I wish I didn’t feel that way and I do feel a little guilty about it because they mostly seem like great people. I just have an aversion to anime/manga. It stems from getting so sick at an anime convention once and then the next day dragging myself to see the movie Spirited Away. Sitting watching that; I really thought my life was ending and was descending into Hell. Torturous. Later, when I made my way into a restaurant; my hands trembled like an alcoholic in withdrawal trying to get a hot cup of tea to my lips. Now when I even get close to being around the atmosphere of it; I’m catapulted into that same sick feeling. I was happy to leave the festival after only 20 minutes.
I’m pretty happy and relieved to not have heard from Mr. Irresistible, so maybe we can put a cap on it. As I examined myself in my own “self therapy” session over the weekend, I decided that I do a lot of things out of self-loathing. Inside I’m not worth a whole lot of anything-good attributes? Not many. I traced myself back to originally being a happy child until the age of 14 and my spirit was dead by the age of 17. Irreparable. It wasn’t teen angst but a realization that the people who set out to ruin my life had succeeded. At that point I no longer lived life; I just lived. Living defined by breathing and taking up space. I admire people who live life. Now I hate myself because I allowed it all to happen. I believed what they said about me. I made attempts to do things but it was more about proving to someone I could do something, rather than making a real life for myself. Now the fallout. Is it too late? I don’t know; I still don’t feel anything.
One very big problem is my crappy excuse for a vacuum cleaner. It’s more like an electric broom, if I’m being honest, but really it’s almost useless. I went over a sesame seed bit about 20 times and still it wouldn’t suck it up and then I just bent down it plucked it into the trash. I’ve been Swiffering the heck out of the place and then using a little hand broom to get any holdouts. Last night I ordered one of those Dyson vacuums, hoping it helps me out. I don’t have carpet but these are supposed to work on all floor surfaces and omg, the price. I tried not to think about what clothes that would buy because it would be tempting…but the dust has to go. I am repulsed by it and it isn’t healthy anyway.
I’m recovering from my clothes shopping trip yesterday-very rough. I need warm weather clothes. The mirrors and lighting in the fitting room at Ann Taylor are very forgiving as well as Banana Republic, but Nordstrom! Nordstrom has nice fitting rooms but looking at yourself is like seeing a promotional clip from a horror movie. Every flaw, every single ripple, discoloration, you name it. One look in the mirror and my eyes wide with horror, mouth open in disbelief, wtf- I had no idea that I looked this bad. I mean I have a mammoth 7 ft mirror in my bedroom right next to the windows and I have stood there naked in natural light and have never seen that sight before. Funny how I didn’t see it an hour before in the other fitting rooms.
Now I have to see what I can salvage of my body before I take a trip to the beach. Yes, I’m going to the beach, even though I am not a beach person. The swimsuit issue has me a little unnerved. I knew I had issues before but never issues like I saw yesterday. blech.
A couple of days ago my special friend who I said I wasn’t going to see anymore texted and wanted to get together. I said no, but then I said maybe in a few days. So today we were supposed to get together but he texted yesterday that he only had a small window of time and asked if I would be ok with that and I said -prob not -that’s it, that’s all I said. About 45 minutes later he got back with some excuses and I don’t mean that in a negative way-it’s just he tried to explain. I didn’t text back. I’m thinking that was the final curtain call. I did get the idea from previous experiences with him that he’s bothered if he thinks you’re disappointed in him, so I half expect to hear from him. If I do hear, he will hit the topic head on-am I upset with him? The answer is no. I really didn’t want to see him, but at the same time I always want to see him. He is irresistible and I think I’ve made that clear. I think it is probably a good time to bring it to a conclusion since we hardly ever see each other. I think the relationship has run its course, not that I won’t miss it, but as I lay soaking in a bubble bath last night I kept thinking…I’m tired, I’m so tired.
Knowing how unreliable I’ve become; I didn’t set a timeline for when I would hand over my ideas for a project. I had a terrible time just getting ideas and I think it went almost 3 weeks before I finished. I might have been more like 2.5 weeks but who’s counting? I didn’t know anything about the person who asked me to work on this project so I had no idea if this time lag was offensive to him. I felt like not setting a timeline gave me some leverage because I wouldn’t be missing a deadline and definitely I would have missed it if I had said 1 week.
I’m not happy about this and I wasn’t trying to be sly in what I did, but I’m in trouble. I know I’m not capable of completing a task like I used to do and every single day that went by without it being completed was a day ruined. I have been half sick over it. It’s finished now. I presented my work professionally and I definitely have nothing to be ashamed of in my craftsmanship or ideas. If my work doesn’t suit him then it’s because my work doesn’t suit him, not because it wasn’t good enough.
I’ve also made a decision not to see someone anymore. This relationship has turned out to be not very beneficial to me. I felt more lonely and I ended up questioning if he had any interest in me other than sex. Feeling insecure about myself is the last thing I needed. It’s a terrible feeling to look at myself and see every single flaw and wonder how this near perfect person could want me. I began to look at myself in the mirror and say it has to be for the sex, he couldn’t want this body…this face. It’s over and I don’t think he’ll care very much. I wish he cared but the reality probably is that he doesn’t. I’m not going to get hurt over this, not this time.
Did I ever tell you the real reason I stopped using Bag Borrow or Steal? It had nothing to do with Bag Borrow or Steal, I think their company works pretty well. It all had to do with a realization during a Saturday morning train ride of who I really am as a person. And I’m not that.
Late one Saturday morning three 30 something women got on the train a stop after me and though they were together sat in 3 different seats-what I mean is “not together”, which is no big deal because this is a free country except when more people got on the train; they took a seat next to the women. What could be wrong with that, you ask? I saw the one woman actually look down her nose at the woman who took the seat next to her, as if, eww, why are you sitting next to me? Now I’m entranced with these women, I mean if whomever sits with you is a problem, then sit with your freaking friend, right?
Now that they had my attention, the second thing that popped out at me was the women’s flaunting of their designer garb. All had the oversized Chanel sunglasses, which looked stupid on all 3. One brandished a huge Gucci belt. All 3 had expensive designer handbags. I could forgive all except for their conversation and that’s what made everything unforgivable. Seeing that they sat apart and one sat across the train aisle; it meant they had to talk loud, so all of us in the car fell victim to their conversation.
One was particularly vile to me as she insulted a co-worker relentlessly mostly because of his weight. She even went as far as to bloat her cheeks and do a little skit imitating him. Her friends giggled and that’s another thing that galls me, when grown women think they have to cackle at every phrase someone says, because after-all it’s Saturday and they are all out to have fun and that’s what fun IS-giggling all over the place.
The conversation continued and they began to discuss their hired help-meaning housekeepers. One had lost hers and she needed another, so the most gruff one recommended hers. “Is she key worthy?” the housekeeperless inquired. “I gave her my key.” the gruff one replied, while shrugging her shoulders. Now the key worthy part was just like running a hot blade down my spine and I felt the acid rise up in my throat.
The most gruff one began to criticize the tall thin one about using coupons….she didn’t find it cool. All this almost made me yearn for the monthly lunatic encounter,
~like the one day when a man took over our car ranting, “Obama, don’t like none of y’all, ok.” Then encapsulated the woman behind me in her seat insisting she was Hilary Clinton and why wasn’t she at work-even though the woman was African-American and well…scared. She only weighed probably 102 lbs and this man was about 6’3 and a massive hunk of crazy. I visualized he had a machete hidden somewhere and would soon take it out and cut us all down. ~
But these women were less likable than that man, is the point I want to make.
So what in heaven’s name does all this have to do with Bag Borrow or Steal anyway? What imprinted on me most was their display of designer wear and how I couldn’t get it out of my mind how they might be posers using Bag Borrow or Steal because they couldn’t really afford it, like me. At the time I was also a poser; because I was sporting my ultra cool bracelet from Bag Borrow or Steal-that indeed, I could not afford. Then the hens came home to roost. I, sitting there on the train realized who I was. I cannot afford Chanel, I cannot afford Prada and lastly don’t really like the flaunting of the brand logos as if you are something special. I don’t really like status symbols- I confess. So why would I ever pretend I could afford them and use Bag Borrow and Steal’s service to make it look like I could? That is not me. I didn’t want to be “those” women. Maybe they owned their shit outright but I couldn’t help but think if they were that well off why weren’t they driving their beamer or luxury Mercedes and not slumming it on the subway? It didn’t matter, because they were everything I never wanted to be.
I started thinking how I’ve always bought from independent artists and why would I want to change that? I was doing pretty well with my choices. I get a profuse amount of compliments on my handbags and jewelry. At the Christmas party in December the compliments didn’t stop about my necklace bought from an artist on Etsy. I think I’m doing pretty well on my own, without the help of the top names dictating what is chic. It’s mostly men who like my handbags, they especially like my messenger bag with the cool rabbit from Alice in Wonderland but it’s not the 1st bag they’ve stopped me to have a conversation about. It happens a lot. Sure it could be all contrived to be an opening line, but I think there are too many of them choosing to have a conversation about my bag for it not to be about my bag.
My stop finally came and though I could have taken the other door where I wouldn’t have had to sashay in front of the 3 women, that wouldn’t have been fun. So, sashay I did. I knew on that particular day that I looked better than any of them and it was affirmed by their sudden silence as I waited by the door to exit. All without the labels except for my rented Pianegonda Bracelet, which I didn’t even think shouted designer piece. I heard no incessant giggling. All was right with the world once again. When I got back home, I went straight to my closet shelf, removed the small box, took off my bracelet, carefully packed it, printed The Bag Borrow or Steal label and dropped it off at the UPS store. So there’s the real reason.
