Step Lightly

Have you ever avoided certain areas or going to certain restaurants in your city to lower the chances you’ll run into someone? I have been doing this for 2 or 3 years and it can take a toll on you after awhile. All of a sudden, about a year ago I kept getting slung into these “danger-zone” areas more and more often. Was fate trying to play its dirty tricks on me again?  Of all places, why there? I would ask myself.

When I did end up in the danger-zone, I would try and limit my exposure. I made my stay as short as possible and I tried to make myself as hidden as I could.  In a restaurant, I’d bolt for the inner most seat in a booth or at a table I’d try to sit in the chair facing the least amount of people. I tried to be as far away from the bar area if possible, since I knew he moonlighted at one, though I didn’t know where exactly. I knew the general area and I knew it wasn’t a bar-bar; it was a bar inside a restaurant.  I tried to cyber-stalk investigate a little; where I’d try to find out information of where that person might be and I’d make sure I was no where near. It really doesn’t work and  I found it caused even more anxiety. I had a big clue which restaurant and made sure I never stepped foot inside, but uncertainty kept creeping in; What if I had it wrong? What if the place I was avoiding led me to go to the very place he was? Ugh, it’s just too much.  It had to change. I had to not care one way or the other.

What’s the worst that can happen? I asked myself this.

The ultimate worst-case scenario would be if I ran into him and he made it obvious we knew each other; leaving me to explain. That one I had no answer for. I would have to work out a response.  I’m not sure a good enough explanation exists. I have another life no one knows about? Let me honest though, it’s not another life. I don’t like the turn this conversation is taking so let’s move on.

I can’t bother myself with all this worry anymore. The worst-case scenario can always be met with a shrug of my shoulders. I’ve found there’s no rebuttal to that, except long wide-eyed stares.

The most likely scenario is that even though he might run into me; he’d not let on.  He might even make a point to avoid me. Not long ago I got a wrong text message, but was it a wrong text message? The text said a name with many exclamation points following it. It wasn’t my name, though the first letter was my name’s first letter and it ended in a vowel; it gave me pause. Did he forget my name?  It’s completely plausible and that’s the best case scenario, because you know how you avoid speaking to someone when you can’t remember their name.

Not You Again

You visit my dream,
unwelcome infatuation.
My eyes divert,
holding steaming hot tea,
sipped from our spoons.
No words exchange,
except for another creature’s toast.
So strange, so strange
why are you here?

All hope has fled from within,
what’s passed by, my heart did not comprehend,
the abandonment of my affections,
and friendship.
My fingers tried to clench,
yet slipped.

Your ghost emerged to the surface of my conscious:
the viciousness of it.
So I urged,
no longer visit with reminders
of your venerable soul,
scent and touch,
once loved-by me.

I’m veiled
in shame,
pain,
regret for my longing
and all the ill decisions I’ve made.

Leave,
cruel specimen
you bring gloom
and I suffer,
Release me.

Another One Bites the Dust

She asked me for examples of why I thought she was judgmental and stringent in her beliefs and I gave her 3 solid examples.  She fumbled around some incoherent excuses and then she hung up crying and probably will never speak to me again.  Your perception of yourself is never how others perceive you. My sister thinks she is a carefree beachy chick but I and a lot of others see her as someone walking around with a pole up her ass-as uptight as they make them, so go figure, but this isn’t about my sister, this is about an old, old friend.   She thinks she is open, and accepting but I see her as someone who I would never tell an uncomfortable intimate detail because of the wrath she would bring down.  Just in the conversation today she called at least 4 people disgusting or trash and I even asked if she’s just blowing off steam or she really felt that way?  Her comments are exactly why I find her overly opinionated because that’s typical fodder from her.   Once I thought she nearly crawled through the phone when I said something to her and so I edit everything when I talk to her.  She doesn’t even really know me anymore. 

I didn’t edit today though and opened my mouth to answer her question, which I’m never allowed to do in the real world.  The storyline goes like this…you say whatever you want to me…anything- and I swallow that bitter pill politely;  I say what I feel and I am banished from your life.  I mean how dare I?  So another one bites the dust.  I sat for a while without emotion.  I’m actually getting quite good at this.  I’m beginning to like being lonely.  In fact I’m not sure I am really lonely.  I think being alone is my life.  My perception of myself is that I’m probably mean but I look like I’m nice and maybe that is what hurts people most.  If you don’t have a steel backbone then it’s probably not a great idea to get to know me.  I’m not looking for friends anymore. Done.

Abrupt and Without Warmth

Repetition of silence
One day melds into the next
Ever solitary
And compressed colloquy
I ache for so much more
The ceased intercourse
Abrupt and without warmth
Still missed
It’s that lonely
Every crumb remembered
And held inside a vacant heart

Obviously Pointless

I’m so struck by how people just abandon relationships-even close ones.  It seems some people are just disposable.  I’ve been hurt by this over and over and I’ve really just given up.  Even intact relationships grow stale and empty so that none of it is worthwhile.  I  no longer want to answer any questions about how I am and what I’ve been doing.  Why bother?  I don’t believe anyone really cares so let’s stop with the niceties.

The Thursday Call Boot

It’s Thursday night and that’s the night he would always call, but not anymore.  I stopped all that when I didn’t reply to one of his text messages and he didn’t take well to that kind of thing.  His interpretation of my lack of response was clear and I don’t get second chances. No checkup call, no just in case you didn’t get my message email, just nothing. 

I protected my feelings this time and I’m not torn up. I didn’t reply because I didn’t want to see him.  I wonder if he had feelings for me at all?  Did he even have a twinge of hurt feelings about me?  My attraction to him was purely physical and I’m pretty sure he knew it.  I’m a sucker for a perfect body and he had one.  Ridiculous.

I Blame Myself

All the terrible feelings are coming back. Unhappiness, not belonging, not feeling at home, no direction, loneliness, all these things.  I want to start over. I can’ t stand anything about myself. I can’t stand anything about anyone else either.  Someone asked me what I thought about Sarah Palin ugh! Every time  I hear her name some of my brain cells die.  I can’t even watch the news.  I began to think how if I were an animal I’d dig a hole and die in it. 

 Nothing seems to have a point anymore, at least I can’t find any.  People are so fake and make themselves more important than they actually are; embellishment is the status quo and it’s so see through.  I’m nothing and I freely admit it. I am a waste of human flesh and don’t deserve the breath I breathe.  Why am I here? Others deserve my place. Others whose family adored them, not like mine. I wouldn’t be missed or thought of. My old friend should be here not me. 

The new people in my life drift like a leaf on a wave.  They only visit for a short time and then disappear forever.  I blame myself.

  I watched some old Julia Child cooking shows just to get a glimpse of someone who embraced life.  I  think she was a genuinely  happy person and probably born with that disposition.  I’ve never met or known anyone in my life like her. Not one.

I Still Miss All Of You

Sometimes I just want to cry over the blogs I used to read but the blogger stopped writing.  I haven’t found other blogs to replace that beautiful bouquet of words or the people behind them. Most were going through painful times just like I was and maybe they all found solace by now.  I miss them all so much and I savored each one as if it were a friend, but now they’ve all moved on -just like real people do sometimes.  It still makes me sad because I’ll never find that combination ever again.

It Was Wrapped Up-Only In My Head

It was really uncomfortable having to deal with irresistible today. First, he texted me in the middle of the night and woke me up and I had no intention of answering him so I didn’t.  I answered him later that morning and to my unpleasant surprise he kept texting back.  I didn’t say anything about not seeing him again-I don’t know how to do it.  I just said I couldn’t meet him. I guess I’ll do it in my usual way and keep putting it off until it’s obvious.  It’s difficult because he’s so perfect.

Doing Therapy On Myself

I’m still carrying on with my jump roping everyday but kind of dropped off on the lunges.  I find having to skip days for ab work, weight training, and lunges sets me up for failure.  I understand the rest days but my mindset is a real problem. I can’t explain why but when I skip one day; I’m likely to skip the next and then the next.  I have serious motivation problems anyway with my life so it’s just an uphill battle for me. 

I went to tha Sukura Festival for a short time on Saturday.  It seemed pretty nice but I’m not really into it and I still get a sick feeling being around anything having to do with anime and I wasn’t expecting to be around anime but it evidently is a chance for them to “dress”, but they weren’t there in great numbers at all.  I wish I didn’t feel that way and I do feel a little guilty about it because they mostly seem like great people. I just have an aversion to anime/manga.  It stems from getting so sick at an anime convention once and then the next day dragging myself to see the movie Spirited Away.  Sitting watching that; I really thought my life was ending and was descending into Hell. Torturous.  Later, when I made my way into a restaurant; my hands trembled like an alcoholic in withdrawal trying to get a hot cup of tea to my lips. Now when I even get close to being around the atmosphere of it; I’m catapulted into that same sick feeling.  I was happy to leave the festival after only 20 minutes.

I’m pretty happy and relieved to not have heard from Mr. Irresistible, so maybe we can put a cap on it.  As I examined myself in my own “self therapy” session over the weekend, I decided that I do a lot of things out of self-loathing.  Inside I’m not worth a whole lot of anything-good attributes?  Not many.  I traced myself back to originally being a happy child until the age of 14 and my spirit was dead by the age of 17.  Irreparable.  It wasn’t teen angst but a realization that the people who set out to ruin my life had succeeded.  At that point I no longer lived life; I just lived.  Living defined by breathing and taking up space.  I admire people who live  life.  Now I hate myself because I allowed it all to happen.   I believed what they said about me.    I made attempts to do things but it was more about proving to someone I could do something, rather than making a real life for myself.  Now the fallout.  Is it too late?  I don’t know; I still don’t feel anything.

The Forever Mr. Irresistible

 One very big problem is my crappy excuse for a vacuum cleaner.  It’s more like an electric broom, if I’m being honest, but really it’s almost useless. I went over a sesame seed bit about 20 times and still it wouldn’t suck it up and then I just bent down it plucked it into the trash.   I’ve been Swiffering the heck out of the place and then using a little hand broom to get any holdouts.  Last night I ordered one of those Dyson vacuums, hoping it helps me out.  I don’t have carpet but these are supposed to work on all floor surfaces and omg, the price.  I tried not to think about what clothes that would buy because it would be tempting…but the dust  has to go. I am repulsed by it and it isn’t healthy anyway.

I’m recovering from my clothes shopping trip yesterday-very rough. I need warm weather clothes.  The mirrors and lighting in the fitting room at Ann Taylor are very forgiving as well as Banana  Republic, but Nordstrom!  Nordstrom has nice fitting rooms but looking at yourself is like seeing a promotional clip from a horror movie.  Every flaw, every single ripple, discoloration, you name it.  One look in the mirror and my eyes wide with horror, mouth open in disbelief, wtf- I had no idea that I looked this bad.  I mean I have a mammoth 7 ft mirror in my bedroom right next to the windows and I have stood there naked in natural light and have never seen that sight before.  Funny how I didn’t see it an hour before in the other fitting rooms. 

Now I have to see what I can salvage of my body before I take a trip to the beach.  Yes, I’m going to the beach, even though I am not a beach person.  The swimsuit issue has me a little unnerved.  I knew I had issues before but never issues like I saw yesterday. blech.

A couple of days ago my special friend who I said I wasn’t going to see anymore texted and wanted to get together.  I said no, but then I said maybe in a few days.  So today we were supposed to get together but he texted yesterday that he only had a small window of time and asked if I would be ok with that and I said -prob not -that’s it, that’s all I said.  About 45 minutes later he got back with some excuses and I don’t mean that in a negative way-it’s just he tried to explain.  I didn’t text back.  I’m thinking that was the final curtain call.  I did get the idea from previous experiences with him that he’s bothered if he thinks you’re disappointed in him, so I half expect to hear from him.  If I do hear, he will hit the topic head on-am I upset with him?  The answer is no.  I really didn’t want to see him, but at the same time I always want to see him.  He is irresistible and I think I’ve made that clear.  I think it  is probably a good time to bring it to a conclusion since we hardly ever see each other.  I think the relationship has run its course, not that I won’t miss it, but as I lay soaking in a bubble bath last night I kept thinking…I’m tired, I’m so tired.

What’s a Good Day Anyway? I Forget

Knowing how unreliable I’ve become; I didn’t set a timeline for when I would hand over my ideas for a project.  I had a terrible time just getting ideas and I think it went almost 3 weeks before I finished.  I might have been more like 2.5 weeks but who’s counting?  I didn’t know anything about the person who asked me to work on this project so I had no idea if this time lag was offensive to him.  I felt like not setting a timeline gave me some leverage because I wouldn’t be missing a deadline and definitely I would have missed it if I had said 1 week. 

I’m not happy about this and I wasn’t trying to be sly in what I did, but I’m in trouble.  I know I’m not capable of completing a task like I used to do and every single day that went by without it being completed was a day ruined.  I have been half sick over it.   It’s finished now.  I presented my work professionally and I definitely have nothing to be ashamed of in my craftsmanship or ideas.  If my work doesn’t suit him then it’s because my work doesn’t suit him, not because it wasn’t good enough.   

I’ve also made a decision not to see someone anymore.  This relationship has turned out  to be not very beneficial to me.  I felt more lonely and I ended up questioning if he had any interest in me other than sex.  Feeling insecure about myself is the last thing I needed.  It’s a terrible feeling to look at myself and see every single flaw and wonder how this near perfect person could want me.  I began to look at myself in the mirror and say it has to be  for the sex, he couldn’t want this body…this face.  It’s over and I don’t think he’ll care very much. I wish he cared but the reality probably is that he doesn’t.  I’m not going to get hurt over this, not this time.

What If I Could Be Like Them?

I’ve been spending most of my time trying to get organized.  It’s been more about organizing my thoughts than an actual physical plan, though there’s been some shifting furniture around, stretcher bars, canvases. I haven’t managed any real results.  I’m so scattered.

I watched a doc on Valentino and I don’t know why I find designers so inspiring but they immediately shoot me into a different frame of mind.  I don’t find Valentino the ideal though.  I love his designs but he as a person is too emotional with a hair-trigger temper.  Yves Saint Laurent was my favorite.  He seemed to treat his people right without the tantrums.  I loved seeing him work and the way his dedicated staff seemed to adore him.  I loved the quiet way he expressed his thoughts aloud.

I felt like a failure watching their dedication to their work.  The dedication is what led to their success.  I have to take one little piece at a time to not be overwhelmed.  One piece, one morsel.  I’m going to make a big step today.  Begin again.

Part of the Herd

The article said the actress didn’t have an eating disorder, well at least it said that her family “said” she didn’t have an eating disorder.  I doubt it.  Don’t most of us women have an eating disorder?  If we are honest about it?  I know I do have one but it’s not like I’m endangering myself.  I’m just obsessed with what goes into my body and what it does to it. I do unhealthy things sometimes to lose weight and I feel as if I’m  like just about every female out there. I want to be thin.

The article said she weighed 115 lbs, but she looked like she weighed a lot less.  115 is around my weight and I look nothing like that, so I’m skeptical about the truth of  her numbers.  Her height is less than mine so that’s not it.  I’ve weighed less than that and I still didn’t look as thin as she did.  I don’t see the shame in admitting she had a thing about being thin.  Most people don’t naturally look like that, some do, but most not.  2 of my sisters used to get made fun of because they were so skinny. One would eat huge bowls of ice cream trying to gain weight to no avail; the other was ridiculous and still is about food.  She probably does have an eating disorder.  I don’t think either one has an attractive body, but then they think I’m fat…even though I weigh about the same as an actress accused of being too thin…you can’t win.  It’s just a difference they chose to try and make me feel bad about myself.  I don’t look like a skeleton dressed in  a garment, but I feel thinner than most people around me when I’m out.  It’s not a surprise that I haven’t spoken to either for over 3 years. 

All of this has nothing to do with the reason I was going to write here; after much contemplation, I got some filler injections today.  It ended up costing a whole lot more than what I expected.  A lot more than my initial consultation.  Ahh, well, that’s life right?  I thought I would get Juvederm but this doctor wasn’t the same doctor who did my consultation, even though it was the same practice;  he injected Perlane, which I’ve never heard of.  Initially I’m very happy with how it looks.  I have a little bruising but it is much less than what I thought it would be.  I didn’t feel self- conscience riding the subway afterward and didn’t think anyone was staring like I had been in an accident or knew I had injections.  I even stopped at the store for a few things on my way home.   I’m just a little sore.  I like the results, very cute.