Not You Again

You visit my dream,
unwelcome infatuation.
My eyes divert,
holding steaming hot tea,
sipped from our spoons.
No words exchange,
except for another creature’s toast.
So strange, so strange
why are you here?

All hope has fled from within,
what’s passed by, my heart did not comprehend,
the abandonment of my affections,
and friendship.
My fingers tried to clench,
yet slipped.

Your ghost emerged to the surface of my conscious:
the viciousness of it.
So I urged,
no longer visit with reminders
of your venerable soul,
scent and touch,
once loved-by me.

I’m veiled
in shame,
pain,
regret for my longing
and all the ill decisions I’ve made.

Leave,
cruel specimen
you bring gloom
and I suffer,
Release me.

Abrupt and Without Warmth

Repetition of silence
One day melds into the next
Ever solitary
And compressed colloquy
I ache for so much more
The ceased intercourse
Abrupt and without warmth
Still missed
It’s that lonely
Every crumb remembered
And held inside a vacant heart

The Thursday Call Boot

It’s Thursday night and that’s the night he would always call, but not anymore.  I stopped all that when I didn’t reply to one of his text messages and he didn’t take well to that kind of thing.  His interpretation of my lack of response was clear and I don’t get second chances. No checkup call, no just in case you didn’t get my message email, just nothing. 

I protected my feelings this time and I’m not torn up. I didn’t reply because I didn’t want to see him.  I wonder if he had feelings for me at all?  Did he even have a twinge of hurt feelings about me?  My attraction to him was purely physical and I’m pretty sure he knew it.  I’m a sucker for a perfect body and he had one.  Ridiculous.

It Was Wrapped Up-Only In My Head

It was really uncomfortable having to deal with irresistible today. First, he texted me in the middle of the night and woke me up and I had no intention of answering him so I didn’t.  I answered him later that morning and to my unpleasant surprise he kept texting back.  I didn’t say anything about not seeing him again-I don’t know how to do it.  I just said I couldn’t meet him. I guess I’ll do it in my usual way and keep putting it off until it’s obvious.  It’s difficult because he’s so perfect.

What’s a Good Day Anyway? I Forget

Knowing how unreliable I’ve become; I didn’t set a timeline for when I would hand over my ideas for a project.  I had a terrible time just getting ideas and I think it went almost 3 weeks before I finished.  I might have been more like 2.5 weeks but who’s counting?  I didn’t know anything about the person who asked me to work on this project so I had no idea if this time lag was offensive to him.  I felt like not setting a timeline gave me some leverage because I wouldn’t be missing a deadline and definitely I would have missed it if I had said 1 week. 

I’m not happy about this and I wasn’t trying to be sly in what I did, but I’m in trouble.  I know I’m not capable of completing a task like I used to do and every single day that went by without it being completed was a day ruined.  I have been half sick over it.   It’s finished now.  I presented my work professionally and I definitely have nothing to be ashamed of in my craftsmanship or ideas.  If my work doesn’t suit him then it’s because my work doesn’t suit him, not because it wasn’t good enough.   

I’ve also made a decision not to see someone anymore.  This relationship has turned out  to be not very beneficial to me.  I felt more lonely and I ended up questioning if he had any interest in me other than sex.  Feeling insecure about myself is the last thing I needed.  It’s a terrible feeling to look at myself and see every single flaw and wonder how this near perfect person could want me.  I began to look at myself in the mirror and say it has to be  for the sex, he couldn’t want this body…this face.  It’s over and I don’t think he’ll care very much. I wish he cared but the reality probably is that he doesn’t.  I’m not going to get hurt over this, not this time.