Not You Again

You visit my dream,
unwelcome infatuation.
My eyes divert,
holding steaming hot tea,
sipped from our spoons.
No words exchange,
except for another creature’s toast.
So strange, so strange
why are you here?

All hope has fled from within,
what’s passed by, my heart did not comprehend,
the abandonment of my affections,
and friendship.
My fingers tried to clench,
yet slipped.

Your ghost emerged to the surface of my conscious:
the viciousness of it.
So I urged,
no longer visit with reminders
of your venerable soul,
scent and touch,
once loved-by me.

I’m veiled
in shame,
pain,
regret for my longing
and all the ill decisions I’ve made.

Leave,
cruel specimen
you bring gloom
and I suffer,
Release me.

Abrupt and Without Warmth

Repetition of silence
One day melds into the next
Ever solitary
And compressed colloquy
I ache for so much more
The ceased intercourse
Abrupt and without warmth
Still missed
It’s that lonely
Every crumb remembered
And held inside a vacant heart

I Still Miss All Of You

Sometimes I just want to cry over the blogs I used to read but the blogger stopped writing.  I haven’t found other blogs to replace that beautiful bouquet of words or the people behind them. Most were going through painful times just like I was and maybe they all found solace by now.  I miss them all so much and I savored each one as if it were a friend, but now they’ve all moved on -just like real people do sometimes.  It still makes me sad because I’ll never find that combination ever again.

The Forever Mr. Irresistible

 One very big problem is my crappy excuse for a vacuum cleaner.  It’s more like an electric broom, if I’m being honest, but really it’s almost useless. I went over a sesame seed bit about 20 times and still it wouldn’t suck it up and then I just bent down it plucked it into the trash.   I’ve been Swiffering the heck out of the place and then using a little hand broom to get any holdouts.  Last night I ordered one of those Dyson vacuums, hoping it helps me out.  I don’t have carpet but these are supposed to work on all floor surfaces and omg, the price.  I tried not to think about what clothes that would buy because it would be tempting…but the dust  has to go. I am repulsed by it and it isn’t healthy anyway.

I’m recovering from my clothes shopping trip yesterday-very rough. I need warm weather clothes.  The mirrors and lighting in the fitting room at Ann Taylor are very forgiving as well as Banana  Republic, but Nordstrom!  Nordstrom has nice fitting rooms but looking at yourself is like seeing a promotional clip from a horror movie.  Every flaw, every single ripple, discoloration, you name it.  One look in the mirror and my eyes wide with horror, mouth open in disbelief, wtf- I had no idea that I looked this bad.  I mean I have a mammoth 7 ft mirror in my bedroom right next to the windows and I have stood there naked in natural light and have never seen that sight before.  Funny how I didn’t see it an hour before in the other fitting rooms. 

Now I have to see what I can salvage of my body before I take a trip to the beach.  Yes, I’m going to the beach, even though I am not a beach person.  The swimsuit issue has me a little unnerved.  I knew I had issues before but never issues like I saw yesterday. blech.

A couple of days ago my special friend who I said I wasn’t going to see anymore texted and wanted to get together.  I said no, but then I said maybe in a few days.  So today we were supposed to get together but he texted yesterday that he only had a small window of time and asked if I would be ok with that and I said -prob not -that’s it, that’s all I said.  About 45 minutes later he got back with some excuses and I don’t mean that in a negative way-it’s just he tried to explain.  I didn’t text back.  I’m thinking that was the final curtain call.  I did get the idea from previous experiences with him that he’s bothered if he thinks you’re disappointed in him, so I half expect to hear from him.  If I do hear, he will hit the topic head on-am I upset with him?  The answer is no.  I really didn’t want to see him, but at the same time I always want to see him.  He is irresistible and I think I’ve made that clear.  I think it  is probably a good time to bring it to a conclusion since we hardly ever see each other.  I think the relationship has run its course, not that I won’t miss it, but as I lay soaking in a bubble bath last night I kept thinking…I’m tired, I’m so tired.